What a Shame

When I experience feelings of inadequacy or incompetence it creates fear. Fear drives a behavior that is meant to eliminate the threat by proving the opposite to be true. This behavior is demonstrated as being competitive, arrogant and ignorant.

Settling for Conditional Love for Love and Belonging

My childhood experiences of conditional love is the wound that is triggered when I perceive myself as being inadequacy or incompetent. This perception is a threat to my basic need of love and belonging. Conditional love is love that is provided only as a reward or under a set of conditions. The life long need for love and belonging taught me to be happy, polite to all adults, loving and caring toward my mother in front of others and smile a lot in public. At home, different story. 

When I strip it down to the core, my shame is not unresolved childhood events. Those have been healed at different times in my life at different levels of awareness. I've forgiven those who have trespassed against me. They have not forgiven me or themselves. I have no shame in keeping those relations at a distance. 

My shame comes from having my own standards as a child of how I should have been treated yet, as a parent I was not at the level of standards I held for my own parents. Typical of child view versus adult view. 

I have not seen my mother in years, I saw her today when I went to vote. I just stared ahead waiting my turn, fear of making eye contact and face the rejection. She immediately tried to make a noticeable and kind conversation with those in front of her and behind her. Based on my post traumatic assessment of past experiences with her, I assessed that this was an attempt at psychologically bullying me with her typical  “strength in numbers” mentality.  I also know that is possible that she was trying to comfort her own fears. The fear of me saying hello or the fear of me not saying hello. Perhaps her guilty mind was afraid Id say something hurtful. I don’t know but, what I do know is that when I made eye contact with her she looked past me like I was a stranger. I overcame my fear, in search of love & belonging only to rejected, once again. 

For the first time, today’s polling place encounter had no negative or positive energy or effect on me. I didn't go home and emotionally eat, I did not cry or become easily annoyed.

Part of my shame is knowing I am aging and I was once a stunning woman that had no clue I was even attractive because when I looked in the mirror I saw my mother.  I am now seeing my unique beauty that is not reflective of my mother and I am ashamed that I did not honor my body the way I should have. Again, feeling like a the Royal Hypocrite. 

Not that they have, I assume my own children and husband will dig up those childhood wounds from the recordings of my sibling and parent saying "oh my God she is nuts”, “She is a schizo”, “she is a pycho”, "she is old, fat and ugly", "she is so full of herself", etc  Yes, that is the language of shame speaking but I can't deny the truth. I fear my children and spouse will turn on me just as my family of origin did. 

There is not much I am in deep shame of. By the time I was 5 years old, I was physically, emotionally, verbally, mentally and sexually abused and neglected. That was done to me, I hold no shame. As a child I had a doll that I loved with all of my heart. My sister had received it from my Uncle in California and my mother forced her to give it to me. I remember when we went to visit that Uncle, During that trip he ripped the head off that doll because he didn’t give it to me. I was punished for my mother’s choice and for loving something so much. 

My father took the doll and performed surgery on her when we got home. Giving her a new body and reattaching her head arms and legs. My father healed that wound but my sister, still hurt. She was given a bully experience. She got the back up and support but I got the love. I felt better she did not. A result of unconscious parenting. 

 If you were wondering, I still have the doll today. As a child, I named her Jessica. Jessica was my best friend, the one I not only told everything to and practiced self-compassion with. Some of my stories of that day’s events would require me to have self-compassion so I would imagine her feelings are hurt from my story and I would comfort her, thus comforting me. When I would reemerge all confident and care-free after a traumatic show down, I was called“too stupid” to know I should be ashamed and as I got older, I was full of myself.

Childhood Self-talk: my childhood traumas have been healed at different times at different levels of awareness. The one are I have not healed is the need to not seek approval and to not give time to people who only have conditional love for me. In my upbringing we appear in public one way and live another way at home. This was a fake lifestyle that I said I would never do with my children.

There it was, showing up in my parenting. My son often points it out so we laugh about it; for example he says I have a drive thru voice. I speak all polite and kind to the mic then turn to him and say in a direct tone, “What do you want to drink”? We laugh every time we pull into any drive thru now. This is unconditional love. It is not the love that wants to crucify you for not knowing sooner. He points it out, makes fun of me, we laugh and it is not traumatic. Parenting is a humbling experience.   

I guess my shame is the fear of going all out and being rejected. I’ve been rejected so much in life that I really thought it was a strength. I know I made poor unconscious and conscious choices that have hurt people I love but that doesn’t mean I am going to be responsible for everyone else’s part leading up to it or their responses to my choices. I most certainly don’t need to be small to be accepted by a few who conditionally love me when I can be me and be Royally & Unconditionally Loved.