Where Did The Smile Go?

An article I needed to write on Abuse...Gender Abuse is so unacceptable it is a crime against Humanity and is a Vile and Despicable act of a coward in my humble opion.


Crimes of the worst kind

When did she stop smiling and trusting? When did her innocence leave?..... Gender Abuse, A Prison, A life Sentence and sometimes unfortunately a Death Sentence for many…

For those of you who are familiar with my writings I have written a couple of articles now touching on some of my own personal abuse encounters in life.  Before I share any more I want to say from my own voice and my own “Truths” and “Words” that ABUSE of any type is wrong no matter if it comes from a man or a woman. It is vile, it is despicable, and is an unacceptable behavior against anyone in the Human Race and should never be tolerated by any Woman Man or Child. From the start “nip it in the bud” and if you can please just walk away from the situation sooner as there may not be a chance for you later. Do not feed into it in any way as the longer you stay the worse it gets.  Many are not here to read my story and may God Bless them and keep them in his loving arms wrapped in his blanket of love for ever, for no one can hurt and harm them anymore…

As a child I was sexually abused and as an adult in my marriage abused on a number of levels but I do not feel the need to be specific… My childhood all the way into my 30’s and then again in the years I was married were spent in fear, depression and I begged repeatedly and prayed to be released from these Prisons both internally and externally.  There was even a time I wanted to take my own life so badly and a voice within told be to reach out and so I did reached out for one final time and there was a hand there to save me and another that has helped me to heal.  Writing this particular article and revealing so much of myself has been very painful for me in fact sent me into a depression for a few days but I finally remembered why I chose to write it and that is to help another who is walking a few feet or a mile in my shoes. Now I am ready to share the reasons I did not smile for years and the reasons I cried that river of tears than ran the side of my journey in life that I nearly drowned in.

Let me go back to my childhood years when I was around 5 years old. The picture I use here is me before my innocence was ripped away from me.  I seldom smiled in photographs from the age of 5 years old on and people told me there was always a deep sadness I my eyes. About my early years, my parents were Refugees after the Second World War they came to England with nothing, both from two different regions of Poland. They settled in England in the same Refugee Camp and that is where they met, married and had their children.  When my parents were able to they bought their first home and we were a family of five at that time.  Our first real home was a two bedroom tiny little terraced house in the Midlands in England, prior to that we lived in a very tiny converted army barracks quarters just a few miles away, and whilst we lived in these converted army barracks life was good because all of these Refugees and families were survivors of war, displaced people everyone understood each other and it was like a giant extended loving family.  No one would have hurt another’s child. My Father was a very hand’s on handy man who knew how to do just about everything and soon our little house took on its beautiful character.  The entire street woke up and everyone started to do work around their homes.  The entire street was actually full of low income families, as coal mining was the only industry or the potteries around this area of the world.  The street was full of people who after the Second World War decided to call England their home.  Next door to us lived a couple from the Yugoslav and he was what I know now is referred to as a pedophile. Next door to him in a family another pedophile and between the two of them these men committed the greatest atrocities towards me.  They violated me and who knows how many other innocent children, robbed me of my childhood, silenced my inner child and made me feel “dirty” beyond words for years into my adult years in fact.  I never grew up with a childhood, I never felt I had confidence, and my trust in adults left me at a very early age. It was a number of years before my family moved to another city and I felt I had lived a lifetime in those long 5 years in my prison where this abuse went on. From that first day of being violated and abused these men threatened me and told me If I told anyone they would murder my family and kill me.  At five years old to be told that I was scared to death. For those 5 very long years I was sentenced to time in prison and that is where I resided in my prison.  After we moved I tried to hide away but always in my youth there was some disgusting dirty old man in my teens who would grope and fondle my body and my skin crawls every time I think of how many…

Flash forward to a considerable number of years later and endless hours of therapy.  I felt I was ready to date and have a relationship.  I dated a few men all of them successful but none and nothing gave me a spark until at the age of 39, I met a man who swept me off my feet.  What I did not know however in that short time we knew one another before we married that life would change so drastically after marriage because he was as my Father referred to “A Con Man”.  Oh he knew how to wine and dine me and to say all the words I wanted to hear that he had obviously rehearsed.   We married and just weeks into this marriage I realized I was in a very abusive one.   I realized I jumped into this marriage way too fast with a man who was a Narcissist. These people have no “Soul”.  I could not tell anyone as again I felt shame that I had made this very bad choice for my life and because my family and friends disapproved of my choice and told me so on a number of occasions. I now know the reason some say “Love is blind”.  I will admit to the entire world that I married this Con Man not because I loved him but because he asked me to and how very stupid and naive of a smart woman but I know many that have done the same now.  

The levels of abuse I endured in this relationship were verbal, emotional, and financial, this man again robbed me of my spirit, my Inner Child he also dimmed the light in my soul and only when he began to get physical did I decide it was time for me to leave.  My marriage was a privileged one, a lot of money but I also worked hard in my own business.  When I would approach him for a divorce I was always threatened that if I left I would leave with nothing.  So true to his word when I did make that decision to walk away he made sure there was nothing.  On that late Summer day in 2006 the day when I realized that enough was enough, when my body, my mind so tired, battered and bruised and when my head the night before missed being smashed into a concrete wall, when I did not know what my name was because I was being called so many, when I did not recognize myself any more when I looked in the mirror, when my own father prior to his death had told me that the spark in my eyes had gone and I should go find it as the years were going by way too fast, after my step son died after injuries he sustained in a horrible car accident one morning all alone sitting in my kitchen I decided to walk.  All I can remember is being in a kind of trance, that feeling that you are there on the outside looking in and someone is guiding your every move.  I recall going to my business and in a split second snapped and said to myself “So what if I leave with nothing of financial value, I am a smart woman and I can survive, I am leaving with the greatest thing of value to me, My Life”. I knew if I stayed just one more day I would end like so many other women perhaps with no voice, silenced for eternity. Would anyone even care? With this realization I went to a friend who I had confided in only after she threatened to go to the police…She had seen the state I was in one day, my arms covered in bruises as I was able to hide the rest very well, I told her what I was about to do and she was there for me.  I then went back to my home when I knew my ex had left and I would not be confronted, packed up my jewelry and a few clothes.   I walked away with my two cats, closed the door and left that life and never to regret that decision to this day.  I thought I was free and protected by the “System”…

 He came after me one day.  After leaving my business I got in my car and drove away and just as I was ready to take the ramp onto the hwy I looked in my mirror and saw his car was coming so fast and he was ready to run my car off into a deep ditch.  I panicked and was able to slow down as he passed me and I knew that this was not going to end well.  A couple of weeks later I was driving and my car lost control on the highway this time.  No other car was around me and my car just started to spin out of control and then hurled into the air rolling over and over and over…during the rotation I felt the presence of my dad and my step son both deceased at this time and felt their arms cradling me and all I can remember is asking God “Please do not let me get injured to the point that I am dependent on anyone to care for me for the rest of my life I would rather die now”… and then peace, a peace like no other and everything went dark…I am not sure how much time went by then but I remember hearing a tapping noise I tried to turn but the pain was unbearable … I managed to press the button for the window to roll down and the fire man then telling me what to do.   After what seemed an eternity they transported me to the hospital.  I survived this car roll over why? God only knows how and why.  I do however know the answer to who tried to kill me and I know that in my core ... I found out later that after the Police took my vehicle that the brake line on my car had been tampered with. They would never be able to tell me for sure if it was my ex.   My ex had left town just shortly after my accident and moved to his country of origin “The Coward” that he is and has managed to stay under the radar for over 10 years now.  He will one day soon face his judge and jury for all of his evil actions and there are many for his days are numbered on this earth.  For a number of years from the start and during my marriage to the recovery from my accident to this day is 21 years in total that’s is a life sentence, I was again in a prison not wanting to leave the confines of my own self, my home for fear of him or one of his associates harming me again, silencing me forever.  That fear is a Prison unlike any a real “Life Sentence” and only when we have the courage and conviction to heal and pull ourselves out of this hell is when we can start to live again.  For we find our Inner Child along the way, that Inner Child who is there from the moment of creation till the moment of our meeting our Creator again.  This Inner child is who sets us free again to live and love this precious life that we entrust to others before. Through finding this Inner Child I am able to channel my thoughts now into works of art and writing.  My Inner child and I share a love of nature so we walk and take photographs I think it is safe to say that my Inner Child once I found her is who helped me to heal. 

I myself had no children of my own. Having no children of my own was something I decided at a very early age in my life as I never wanted a child of mine to live in a prison the way I did, to be hurt so much by others as I had been.  When I was married I had a wonderful loving Step Son, and my step son Amir who is deceased now saw and watched his father treat me badly on a number of occasions.  I recall one time earlier on when he followed me after an altercation with my ex into my bedroom and he put his arms around me this 16 year old at the time and told me how sorry he was that his father said such vial disgusting things to me, he also told me this sweet beautiful young man with such a pure heart and soul how much he loved me and that he would protect me.  He always came to my defense when there was a verbal altercation if he was around.  My heart however was so sad that he had to witness this. When there are children involved what example do we send them watching the actions of adults? Watching these actions of physical, emotional and other abuses?  Our children learn these behaviors from us the adults. We cannot blame TV, school or the kids they hang around with for this abuse they see at home. 

Gender violence is real, and it has to stop Men hurting Women and children as I always say in such vile despicable way. Writing about these abuses I had to endure in my life reminded me that I was held in my Prison for way to many years.  This Prison where you are silenced, you are isolated with your pain on every level there is in life.  You do not trust, you isolate yourself often never letting anyone see what goes on.  I am free now but as I mentioned to my very good friend Uchenna Ilo - Inspiration for Excellence​ that these memories are there to haunt you and never go away even with years of therapy.  Unchenna Ilo is a “Great Man”.  I refer to him as this for he speaks his truths in his words and I give that title to less than a hand full and I have also written about these “Great Men” in articles I write.  He is a great man to me as he introduced me to the Okwuí Mask Scheme​ and was there for me with his encouraging words while I struggled to write this article.  I am so blessed to be able to help and spread awareness to stop these barbaric acts against children and Women and I also acknowledge that Boys and Men  are abused also if life.  I ask that God Blesses all of the women around the Globe who are in their own prison right now, that they are given the strength and courage to leave that they soon are released from their Hell their Abyss before it is too late.  For the Courageous Women who were not so lucky I pray that God keep them in his loving care. For the Children of Survivors and the ones who did come out of their relationships alive, that these children are blessed with lives and educated that Gender Abuse is not a lifestyle … Sending Love and a special Healing Light to everyone in need....

The picture I use is here is Me, This is who if I had to give her a face is my inner child and she will always be that one I lost and found.....she never grows up and I can smile again now ...

The day I stopped smiling...

The day I stopped smiling...