Grief And Loss

Coping with the loss of a parent so suddenly and unexpected, working through grief.

Grief And Loss

Nine years ago on august 13th 2007 I lost my mum, it was so unexpected and shocking, mum had just reached her 60th birthday, but to look at her you would think she was only in her late 40's she was so beautiful a natural red head, very intelligent and worldly wise, we were extremely close .

what I want you all to know is not how amazing my mum was, I'm writing today about grief, I had experienced loss as a child losing my grand parents but nothing had prepared  me for this.

firstly do people just drop dead ? this is how I saw it, that the day my full of life vibrant woman whom I called mum who kept me sane, who I went in search of to pick me up and tell me everything was going to be alright, just dropped dead no warning no illness, no visits to doctors, no niggling pains, nothing.

The day we found her dead in her bedroom all alone, knowing she had died all alone was the worst thing ever imaginable, was the day  my world stopped spinning, in that moment everything fell silent, I couldn't comprehend what I was being told, I began to pace up and down trying not to think of the magnitude of this, trying to grasp hold in my mind of what this all meant, begging for this not to be real, telling myself willing myself not to lose control, holding off from completely falling to pieces, from crumbling into nothingness, into the darkness that is grief, so in that instant I stopped I shut my mind down I felt nothing, I became numb.

grief is an actual physical pain that you can feel in your body, you cannot escape it, from the moment you wake to the moment you sleep you are in pain, it cuts you like a knife, you can feel it flooding into your body like a painful stabbing sensation, the only way I could escape how I felt was to begin writing down every thought and every emotion, grief is a process you have to work through, firstly the numbness so you can still function day to day, shooing away thoughts of loss so you can get ready for the goodbye that is to come, secondly comes the anger that others get to keep their life's and that my mum had lost hers anger at life itself. 

next comes the thoughts of what is life and what is the point? every thing seems so unimportant the silly things you get upset about on a daily basis are so trivial and meaningless, in fact life has no meaning what is it all for? this is when you start to work on yourself, others around you become different, you see everything with new eyes, searching for answers and the meaning of life, why are we here what am I here for what my purpose.

Then began my journey of self discovery, I am still on my journey being guided by my angel mum trying to make sense of her death and my life, my power, I feel her presence and guidance in death as I did in life and people whom you truly love never go away they live on in you, I have come to terms with my loss I still feel sadness as I write this I am crying for my loss, and even though life will never be the same again you can still lead a happy fulfilled life, because you have learned so much more than you knew before.

There is life beyond death there is joy beyond grief, and you never truly lose your loved ones as you carry their heart, I want to dedicate this to my angel mum Irene my true inspiration,  love you mum.